You wanna teach me something new?

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Yes, there has been a long time that I don't post, and it's greedy of me to talk about all of the days I was absent. I must say, though, that these same days have been so intense that I can't neglect them! So, in order to remember things better, I will start in reverse order (although the final result will look chronological anyway =P)

Thursday was my last day in Ottawa. Again, I slept in as long as I could, enjoying my time in bed. We started playing around 11am, and when I went to take a shower something very funny happened. I was very stupid to insist on something when it wasn't the right time, and I thought about using some shower gel inappropriately. The result was a quick fainting that I will probably never forget.

I had breakfast after that incident: omelette and grapefruit. Then we went back to bed and kept playing around, laughing at what had just happened. We finished what we had to finish, and after some time and another shower, we started getting ready to leave. It wasn't until 3pm that we left, though, and obviously we were running late. The bus we needed to take took forever, and only came after 1,537 school buses that looked like public transit buses (which I stopped to ask - in French - if they went downtown Ottawa). We even had to transfer at a weird location, and on our way we got a text from our rideshare asking where we were. He was kind enough to wait for us, even though it was the same guy that I had ditched the Tuesday before when I was leaving to Ottawa. We got off the bus in front of the Parliament building, and rushed to St Catherine's along Bank street. When we finally got to the greyhound station, we were already 40min late.

Luckily this Vinny guy was a nice person, and we had a good time on our way back. We made two stops, one of them at Superstore around 1,000 Islands where we bought vegetables and nuts to snack. Vinny was racing so much that we got in Toronto around 8:30 (almost 4h of traveling). He dropped us at Yorkdale station, and I took the subway home. When I got here, Patrick and Mary were moving some stuff. They took some time to finish everything, and when they did, I started downloading movies and watching Eurovision. Lithuania didn't make it to the finals, Azerbaijan did (surprisingly), and I'm definitely cheering for Romania now =] And that's it.

SeeYa,
Feliploko, who's starting again

Happy Birrrrrthday

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Ok, without internet access it is very hard to keep my blog up to date =[ I am editing this post from Seneca, and I will make it shorter than it could've been. At least the main points will be saved =]

Thursday I woke up with the alarm on my phone telling me I forgot about the meeting at Access Alliance. I took a quick shower and had half-breakfast before rushing to the subway. Coincidentally, Helen Luu was right there at St George station when I got on the train. We talked all the way to Victoria Park, and then we had our meeting when we got to the office. I'm not sure if I'll actually do this United Way Speaker's Bureau, but I keep the possibility open. After the meeting I went downtown to buy a present for Rauf. At the Biggest Bookstore, I found an interesting book about enneagram to give to Rauf, and then I had to go home to drop some stuff and get some other stuff before I met Mx. When I finally found my cutie at the Eaton Centre, we went to Sears to buy the khaki pants I needed, and then we went to The Bay to buy sunglasses. After this little shopping, we decided to go eat at Bhuda's, so we walked to Dundas and Augusta in the boiling hot weather. The food was great as usual, and after eating we had to part and leave: Mx had to meet this guy I don't like, and I had to go meet Rauf since it was his birthday. I gave him the book, and we went out to Golden Griddle so he could eat something. We had ice cream for dessert, then we went to H&M and The Bay so that Rauf could buy himself some more presents =P Rich joined us along the way, and later on Sergey did the same. We went to Woodies to see some queers, but we left early since it was a Thursday night. Then home, bed.

Friday I had an appointment with Suhail to keep working on Mx's Legal Aid issue. I went to SOY, and Mr. Settlement Worker helped me get everything in order. I went to the Eaton Centre (again) to buy Mx's gifts (sandals and pijamas), and then I stopped at Starbucks to send some emails. Around 1pm I took the subway all the way to Don Mills station and changed my clothes to be more presentable for my job interview that day. Obviously I didn't have good shoes, so I wore my converse. After taking the Victoria Park bus and walking a little bit, I was still early for my appointment. My interviewers let me in early anyway, and all went fine. They both loved me, and they were really looking forward to letting me go to the next stage of the hiring process. It was just awkward at the end to have to talk about my snickers. I blamed it on the fact that I'm a newcomer and I couldn't yet afford good shoes =P I wish I could talk nicely about how I don't like these formalities without losing the chance to get the job. After all this jazz I went home to rest a little bit, then I went to Frangipane and Shoppers to buy a pseudo-cake and candles. I waited until Mx called me saying he was done with work, then I went to Finch station to meet him and celebrate his birthday with him =] We couldn't be together much longer, so we just parted and left at the end of the day.

Saturday was my very first day at Ontario Place. I wasn't really sure about what to do, but luckily my coworker was nice enough to tell me everything I needed to know. It was a rainy day, so not many people were at the park. Plus, only a couple customers decided to play the game I was responsible for. As a result, they closed my game earlier and sent me home =P I called Rauf and he invited me to eat some corn at his place. The corn was gone when I arrived, so I had to eat my cookies instead. We decided to watch Shrek together in the evening, so while he did some house chores, I went home to change. I met him around Osgoode station later on, and we went to Scotiabank cinema. The movie was quite good, and I'm glad that they can still make me laugh with some interesting jokes. I had work the next day as well, so I had to say goodbye to Raufie after the movie. Once I got home, I went straight to bed.

Sunday I also worked, and this time it was sunny and beautiful. I was at the other game this time, and many more customers played it. I tried to keep myself entertained while tons of kids came by to see my duckies, but I was getting tired at the end of my shift. I finished work at 3pm, so I didn't have to take any break. I went home and waited for Rauf to call me, and many years later he called saying he was waiting me to call him instead. We met at his area, and then we walked around Rosedale and Forest Hill. We went to Metro to buy some groceries after that, and that's when Mx called me saying he was on his way to Finch station. I met him there, we bought things to eat on our way home, and then we chilled out at my empty place.

Monday I woke up feeling very well, and things just got better after a bath and a good breakfast. I decided to take Mx to North York, and I ended up taking him even further (all the way to Brampton). On my way back to Toronto I planned the rest of the day with Rauf, and I met him around his area again. We walked to the harbourfront and took the ferry to the island. We hung out together for a while, and wandered around looking for something interesting to look at. The interesting things were laying on a little beach there, but we didn't stay there for long. We came back downtown around 6pm, and I rushed home to change and send some emails. I promised Zulema to meet her around 7pm to go to the Java House, but interestingly all of us were late. The two of us plus Lilian and Lindsay went to Java House to have some dinner. The servers were extremely complicated, and we ended up not eating everything we wanted to. That turned out to be good, since Mx asked me to buy some sushi for him before he came downtown after work. I did so, then I went home to change one more time and go meet him at Downsview station. We then came back home, ate sushi, did laundry, and as I summarized before, ++++. =]

Oh my, there's much more to say still! x.x Tuesday we woke up, got ready to go to Ottawa and then left the apartment. I was already at the subway station when I realized I forgot my credit card in the pocket of my shorts at home. I decided to go without it anyway, just to have some taste of adventure =P We went to Osgoode station, and waited for our rideshare for some time. The guy came, and he was a really nice and almost good-looking white Canadian young man who drived really bad. We had a long and almost boring trip to Ottawa, but it was still sunny when we arrived. We walked around downtown appreciating the buildings and parks, and then we went to Metro to buy fruits to snack. When we were sitting down somewhere waiting for Marc to call, this drunk guy came to talk to us >.> I was avoiding him, but Mx seemed to enjoy the conversation. My cellphone was acting weird at that point, so I decided to go to Wind to find out what was going on. They said the network was down, so that was the reason why I couldn't get a hold of Marc yet. I used their phone to call him, and then he told me to wait for him around the Byward Market. I did so, and he came with his little blue Echo =] He took us to his place and went for a run while Mx and I settled down and unpacked. I watched Eurovision's first semi-final while Mx bonded with Marc (increasing their SimPoints), and then we watched some very bad episodes of Just for Laughs. We were quite tired for the trip, so it didn't take us long to want to go to bed.

Last day to edit, finally. Wednesday we slept in as much as we wanted, and then we had a good shower and some perfect breakfast. We left the house to go buy some stuff at Loblaws, and when we came back we prepared this cold soup that was very good for the colour it had (hot pink o.O). We sunbathed on Marc's porch for a while, then took a bath and went back to bed for some quality napping. Marc came back in the evening, and he took us for a ride in Gatineau Park while it was still light outisde. We stopped at many beautiful lookouts, took some pictures, and smashed lots of caterpillars on the process. At our very last stop, we decided to take the trail and walk through the woods. We managed to finish the course before the rain came, so we went downtown to try to get some ice cream. The store was already closed, and we couldn't find a parking spot to watch the festival of lights, but at least for me the day was already good enough. We went back to Marc's place and we were chilling out when this Japanese guy (Marc's friend) drop by to chat with him. We socialized for a little bit, but we were quite tired already, so we had to withdraw again and go to bed.

And finally this is the end of this post ^^


SeeYa,
Feliploko, who's very sadist.

Oh wait!

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!

SeeYa,
Feliploko, who's the one and only manager.

Did you have any visit since your last problem?

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Oh noes! Nay me revisitou e se decepcionou com a mudança de idioma no meu blog. Sorry Nay, mas nova fase na vida é in English, então o blog também é =P De vez em quando eu posto em Português ainda, então talvez esses raros posts te satisfaçam.

So getting back to business, I felt much better these past days because of the end of he anxiety around my relationship. Sunday I met my mentor in the afternoon and we chatted and walked around my neighbourhood until it was time for us to go to meditation. They temporarily changed the room for their Sunday's sessions, but the energy and the food were still great =] We left there around 8pm, and I had to come back home to take care of some businesses.

The next day I did a lot of stuff. I woke up early to call Legal Aid and follow up on what's happening, only to find out our claim was rejected. I started contacting people to find a solution, and when I was on my way to their office at Yonge and Dundas, I got a call from Ray saying she was here at my place waiting for her Portuguese lessons. I rushed to get the form I went there for, and came back home to help my dear friend. It was tough to do it while solving the Legal Aid thing, but we made some progress. When she went home I checked the mail, and my tax return check had come. I took it right away to the bank and deposited it, as well as ordering a new check book. Once back home, I got ready to go to Pharma for my very last clinic period.

And my last clinic period wasn't very good. The damn nurses got my catheter wrong three times, so the last blood draws I had to do it with a needle =[ Now my arms are all poked and sore. But at least it's over for now, and I have extra money to afford some stuff I've been wanting (and some say they're mandatory =P). For some time in the clinic I played Breath of Fire for SNES, out of a craving for old-school RPG. I don't think I'll waste time finishing the game, though... Anyways, that's it for those days.

SeeYa,
Feliploko, who's a lab rat.

Stupid me

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Yes, yes, yes. Stupid heart that puts hope on what I had rationalized as not healthy before. But I don't mind being hurt anymore, I know I'm addicted to pain. These days have been empty (obviously), so short post.

Wednesday I was at home doing nothing until I had to go to PMRI. The subway took a loooong time between Warden and Kennedy station, so I ended up being on time instead of early. I just did random useless stuff that night before going to bed.

Thursday I was at the clinic for the whole day. I avoided all the meat from the meals again, and got away with it once more. The blood draws were a little more harsh on me this time, and I got a headache in the afternoon that lasted until about 10pm. The movies they played were all of those that I watched to prepare for this year's Oscars, lol. Anyway, moving on...

Friday I left the clinic in the morning, and took the subway home. I had a breakfast once I arrived, and soon started to call some places trying to make my bold plan work. I wanted to rent a 2-bedroom apartment for just June and July, so that my mom could pay for half of it while she's here. It didn't work, since no one wanted to rent for such a short term, and to make things worse I got a call from Walter asking for a definite word on the bachelor in Parkdale. I told him I would meet him at 2pm, so I helped Ray with her Portuguese singing until about 1pm, and then left. I met Walter and I signed the form and everything T.T Now I'm officially living in Parkdale starting in June. I had to find a RBC machine to cash the money out and give it to him as last month's deposit, so I went all the way to Lansdowne station only to realize the blue bank over there is BMO, not RBC. I asked around where the closest RBC was, and apparently it was at College and Ossington. I used the trip there to stop by the store managed by the Brazilians I know here in Toronto, and I chatted with them for a bit. They were happy that my mom is coming, and they asked me to bring her there one day =P I went to the RBC after stopping there, and cashed the rent's money. I then went back to Parkdale and paid Walter, who gave me a receipt. A weird feeling was flying over me while I was coming back - I didn't feel like I belong in Parkdale, but still Metric's song was playing over and over in my head like a hypnotic tune. Once I got home, I could forget about things since P. wanted to watch a movie. I chose Antichrist because I needed something strong, but he couldn't focus on it. I really liked it, on the other hand. Lars von Trier always amazes me with his intense scenes. So, after the movie I went to bed.

Today I was doing nothing at home the whole day, because of you-know-what. I did stupid things in the afternoon that luckily didn't work, so I don't have to cope with regret now. I chatted with Cherem, and that made me miss him even more - the songs from Vanessa da Mata will hit me even harder now. I read a few chapters from Master and Margarita waiting for the clock to hit 11pm, and a while after that I finally called him. No answer, of course, but I left a voice mail. He texted me back, and we started an awkward conversation that luckily progressed into a productive DR. We continued the conversation over the phone when things were eased out, and focusing on the good things really work. And now after writing the whole paragraph I remembered the paradox of the beginning of the post. See why I say my heart is a fool? I even forget that the pattern will probably not change. Well, there's nothing wrong with hoping and dreaming, so that's what I'll do. Take care.

SeeYa,
Feliploko, who believes he can trust in stupid you.

He wants to be alone

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Another gray post because of pizdec life circumstances. I'll turn off my feelings again and wait for someone to wake me up when the depression cycle ends. I honestly don't know how I am going to maintain my mental health in the next couple months. It's not just one or two of my basic structures that are weak, but nearly all of them are falling apart and adding to the weight of the world that I already carry on my shoulders. At this point there is no precise action that I can take to change anything, so all I can do is complain and document.

Saturday I woke up at Pharma Medica really early to start the nightmare process. I took a shower and joined everyone at the main hall waiting for the staff to send the stand-by's home. After that I felt a little empty feeling inside, but the blood draws kept me busy enough not to get worse. I read a little portion of my book, played some things on my computer, and even chatted with some people on facebook. I left my laptop updating Ubuntu and went to take a nap when the blood draws were over. I almost didn't have time to finish the whole process at night, but fortunately everything was completed. I went to bed hoping that the next day would be much better.

And it actually was. It started terrible because the weather outside was ridiculously cold (it snowed!), and I really wanted to have company in the morning, but it only came later in the afternoon. He was very sweet in coming here to take care of me, as I kindly asked, and we drank tea and ate pastries together. Unfortunately we ended up having an unpleasant conversation later, which started a degradation process inside of me. I put the process on hold for the evening because P. asked me to be away from the apartment for some time. I contacted Rauf and met him at his place to go for a walk and have something to drink at Starbucks. We chatted until almost 11pm, and then I came home to try to sleep.

On Monday I restarted my apartment hunt process, this time hyper frustrated because of the recent past events. I was developing my action plan to change my insecure situation, but it was made hard by a couple phone calls with an unusual caring tone. I ended up visiting many different places, getting a couple application forms, and giving a semi-final word on a place in Parkdale. I wish some miracle happened to save me from getting that place, but I really think that will be my next residence for some time from now on =/ I kept walking around the neighbourhood in the evening to try again to give P. some privacy, and I even ate some Sushi at the entertainment district. I came home at a time that was late for me, but not for anyone else, but I don't care about the consequences of that. After another conversation over the phone and the death of Mx's battery, I went to bed.

Tuesday was the terrible day, that made the whole post become gray. I was building my sentences to talk to him about how I would prefer to have things proceeding, but I got overly nervous when we started talking, pissing him off in less than 5min. As a result, he exploded and didn't let me even start what I had to say. I was left in the bus to Finch station without any reason to be there, and took a long time to figure out what to do for the rest of the day. I finally got a text back from David saying that he was at home and I was welcome to go visit him, so I went and chatted until it was time to go to Express. At the meeting, my check in made it obvious that I wasn't feeling well, and because of that we came back to my problem near the end of the session. Many people agreed with me on the action I wanted to take, and Olimpia said something that might be really true about some lack of respect causing me to feel less attractive and not deserving this relationship. Again I had to put everything on hold to go for a job interview (weirdly scheduled to happen at a Starbucks), and I met two great guys who want to start a new web project. I really don't feel I'm the best candidate for what they are looking for, but if they choose me I'll try my best to make this my entrance card to the IT business. After the interview I came home, and the night was tense for all the feelings and thoughts tormenting my body while I was trying to sleep.

What I really wanted to say is that I don't think it's healthy for me to follow my stupid heart anymore. I have already learned that your will doesn't change who you fall in love with, but it does change who you try to interact with. I'm yet to be ok with the fact that I always fall in love with the wrong people - the ones that will obviously cause me harm and sadness. But I am almost sure that I am not in love with who he is, but with who I think he could be. Since the change might never occur, there's no reason why I should kill myself little by little being in a relationship that actually doesn't exist. The many factors that slowly put me down, including the absence of concrete documentation in my blog, are accumulating to the point that I should not have to put up with anymore. It sucks to reject someone you love, but if the lack of reciprocity is already making you feel rejected, there's no other option left. That's it for today.

SeeYa,
Feliploko, who doesn't

Don't finish a sentence with a preposition!

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Oh my God, I'm bored. I'm tired of doing each one of the few possibilities I have in this clinic... Maybe I'll get inspired to continue programming my new blog once I finish this post =]

Tuesday I decided to go out and walk around my neighbourhood looking for a place to rent. I found some signs, some of them too expensive, others didn't answer. I left lots of voicemails, and none of the places called me back =/ I booked a viewing for Wednesday, and checked a place whose landlady was available (hyper creepy, let me stay away from there x.x). After having my legs protesting against walking more, I went back home to rest.

Wednesday I woke up to check the place I had booked a viewing for. It was an amazing 2-bedroom unit, very clean and big enough. I was really suspicious of the price, and that was obvious, because the Chinese landlord had mislead me on saying it was $750/month when it was actually $1750 a month -.- I pretended I would call later, and went home disappointed. I then called a place whose ad I saw online, and the landlord agreed to show it to me that same afternoon. I took the subway to Pape, and once I found the apartment (not too far from the station), I liked it. I called Oli right away to force him to check it with me, but no response. I decided to walk around Greektown to try to find other options, but again lots of overpricing and many many voicemails that were not responded. To avoid more frustration, I went to Allen Gardens (the actual gardens =P) to relieve some stress. I felt like eating sushi afterwards, so I sheltered myself from the first half of the storm at Sushi Sky. I had to confront the second half on my way home, and even the last bits of it around my place since Patrick took forever to leave and let me have the space. Once home, I tried fixing some problems at a specific computer, but I was helpless. After enabling that computer with some new tricks, "we" parted and left and I went to bed.

Thursday I woke Oli up to drag him to the place I wanted to rent, and the fdp took forever to come downtown. I waited for him forever at Pape station because he didn't have the decency to tell me he was biking and not taking the ttc (notice how angry I am at him). We checked the place, he said he wanted it, so we took application forms. We went to Magic Oven to eat a vegan pizza, and then came home to watch a movie and fill the forms. Mister Oli didn't want to finish and sign the form at the spot, and I told him that Friday was the deadline. He didn't make it, so now I know for sure I won't rent a 2-bedroom. After all the search... No worries, I'll try to avoid the stress for now. I went outside to cash the money I needed to pay rent, and then went to bed.

Friday I was doing nothing at home and forgetting to feed myself until it was time to come to Pharma Medica for the first period of my medical study. I thought I would be early, but the traffic on Sheppard held me back for a long time. I decided I needed something before entering the clinic, otherwise the fasting period would be fatal, so I went to Tim Hortons and bought two buttered bagels. After eating them, I checked in and got my stylish red t-shirt with the number 13 to wear for the rest of my stay here. We had snack at 8pm, and I managed to get rid of the ham from my sandwich without the nurses noticing =] More to come soon.

SeeYa,
Feliploko. Is there anything specific you're looking for, bitch?

mīla?

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Damn! I tried to use the pontinho again, but it didn't work. Here I am, a whole week after the last post, editing what I wanted to post earlier. I have no clue what I did on Friday and Monday (and it wasn't important probably), so I'll just make a small post about the weekend.

Saturday I had my resale training at Ontario Place. They taught us a bunch of stuff, and it wasn't as bad as the two other training sessions. This time we had a chance to walk around the park, so I finally saw the place that I will actually work (which is not at all encouraging =[). After confirming my feeling that the park isn't really an interesting place to take my friends to, I just set my thoughts on how long it will take me to find a better job. Our tour was over around 3pm, so I went to the streetcar stop with a some of my co-workers. They are all younger than me, but interacting with them on the TTC wasn't too bad. There's this queer kid who could become a nice company on my days of boredom at that park. When I got off at Bathurst station, I stopped by at Butler's to eat something, and then I went to Alex's to have my hair cut. After all this jazz, I went home and did nothing (I guess).

Sunday was the day for the Jane's Walk. I wasn't very sure if I wanted to go, but the coordinator Nadia almost came to my apartment to drag me there =P We went together with her roommie, and we got there almost in time. People started showing up little by little, and we started the walk with about 30 people! =] We walked down on Church all the way to Carlton, and then turned left to go to Sherbourne. The stories we shared were somewhat interesting, and Rauf and I even started some of our common discussions during the walk =P We ended the tour in front of SOY, and everyone was so impressed with our stories about Adam & Eve that they decided to go back there to get some chocolatish stuff. We sat at the little patio on the back of the chocolatier, and we had a lot of mature people talk. When we parted and left, I decided to have dinner with Rauf - we bought stuff at Metro and went to his place to cook it (you know what "we" means in this case). After satiating my hunger and chatting about eurovision, I came home to rest.

And to finish the post, I need to expand a little bit on the recent comment I got in one of my posts. This kind of thing you never expect to happen to you, although you have some clue that it happens outside of the movies. I remember when I was receiving visits from Elisama Corporation, which was later explained to be one of my new friend's ex-girlfriend trying to get information on his "new life". This time it turned out to be a secret visitor for myself, and the funny thing is that I totally understand that. It's usually me the person to have a crush on someone and never let them know, and I have no idea why it's so hard to start interacting with whoever the person is. I can only feel this weird empathy for Gabriel, and be happy that he made a great friendship as a by-product of the whole situation. Now if this happens for a third time I will feel really disturbed =P Let's wait and see...

SeeYa,
Feliploko, que é perigoso, é macumbeiro.