Stupid me

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Yes, yes, yes. Stupid heart that puts hope on what I had rationalized as not healthy before. But I don't mind being hurt anymore, I know I'm addicted to pain. These days have been empty (obviously), so short post.

Wednesday I was at home doing nothing until I had to go to PMRI. The subway took a loooong time between Warden and Kennedy station, so I ended up being on time instead of early. I just did random useless stuff that night before going to bed.

Thursday I was at the clinic for the whole day. I avoided all the meat from the meals again, and got away with it once more. The blood draws were a little more harsh on me this time, and I got a headache in the afternoon that lasted until about 10pm. The movies they played were all of those that I watched to prepare for this year's Oscars, lol. Anyway, moving on...

Friday I left the clinic in the morning, and took the subway home. I had a breakfast once I arrived, and soon started to call some places trying to make my bold plan work. I wanted to rent a 2-bedroom apartment for just June and July, so that my mom could pay for half of it while she's here. It didn't work, since no one wanted to rent for such a short term, and to make things worse I got a call from Walter asking for a definite word on the bachelor in Parkdale. I told him I would meet him at 2pm, so I helped Ray with her Portuguese singing until about 1pm, and then left. I met Walter and I signed the form and everything T.T Now I'm officially living in Parkdale starting in June. I had to find a RBC machine to cash the money out and give it to him as last month's deposit, so I went all the way to Lansdowne station only to realize the blue bank over there is BMO, not RBC. I asked around where the closest RBC was, and apparently it was at College and Ossington. I used the trip there to stop by the store managed by the Brazilians I know here in Toronto, and I chatted with them for a bit. They were happy that my mom is coming, and they asked me to bring her there one day =P I went to the RBC after stopping there, and cashed the rent's money. I then went back to Parkdale and paid Walter, who gave me a receipt. A weird feeling was flying over me while I was coming back - I didn't feel like I belong in Parkdale, but still Metric's song was playing over and over in my head like a hypnotic tune. Once I got home, I could forget about things since P. wanted to watch a movie. I chose Antichrist because I needed something strong, but he couldn't focus on it. I really liked it, on the other hand. Lars von Trier always amazes me with his intense scenes. So, after the movie I went to bed.

Today I was doing nothing at home the whole day, because of you-know-what. I did stupid things in the afternoon that luckily didn't work, so I don't have to cope with regret now. I chatted with Cherem, and that made me miss him even more - the songs from Vanessa da Mata will hit me even harder now. I read a few chapters from Master and Margarita waiting for the clock to hit 11pm, and a while after that I finally called him. No answer, of course, but I left a voice mail. He texted me back, and we started an awkward conversation that luckily progressed into a productive DR. We continued the conversation over the phone when things were eased out, and focusing on the good things really work. And now after writing the whole paragraph I remembered the paradox of the beginning of the post. See why I say my heart is a fool? I even forget that the pattern will probably not change. Well, there's nothing wrong with hoping and dreaming, so that's what I'll do. Take care.

SeeYa,
Feliploko, who believes he can trust in stupid you.