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Another gray post because of pizdec life circumstances. I'll turn off my feelings again and wait for someone to wake me up when the depression cycle ends. I honestly don't know how I am going to maintain my mental health in the next couple months. It's not just one or two of my basic structures that are weak, but nearly all of them are falling apart and adding to the weight of the world that I already carry on my shoulders. At this point there is no precise action that I can take to change anything, so all I can do is complain and document.
Saturday I woke up at Pharma Medica really early to start the nightmare process. I took a shower and joined everyone at the main hall waiting for the staff to send the stand-by's home. After that I felt a little empty feeling inside, but the blood draws kept me busy enough not to get worse. I read a little portion of my book, played some things on my computer, and even chatted with some people on facebook. I left my laptop updating Ubuntu and went to take a nap when the blood draws were over. I almost didn't have time to finish the whole process at night, but fortunately everything was completed. I went to bed hoping that the next day would be much better.
And it actually was. It started terrible because the weather outside was ridiculously cold (it snowed!), and I really wanted to have company in the morning, but it only came later in the afternoon. He was very sweet in coming here to take care of me, as I kindly asked, and we drank tea and ate pastries together. Unfortunately we ended up having an unpleasant conversation later, which started a degradation process inside of me. I put the process on hold for the evening because P. asked me to be away from the apartment for some time. I contacted Rauf and met him at his place to go for a walk and have something to drink at Starbucks. We chatted until almost 11pm, and then I came home to try to sleep.
On Monday I restarted my apartment hunt process, this time hyper frustrated because of the recent past events. I was developing my action plan to change my insecure situation, but it was made hard by a couple phone calls with an unusual caring tone. I ended up visiting many different places, getting a couple application forms, and giving a semi-final word on a place in Parkdale. I wish some miracle happened to save me from getting that place, but I really think that will be my next residence for some time from now on =/ I kept walking around the neighbourhood in the evening to try again to give P. some privacy, and I even ate some Sushi at the entertainment district. I came home at a time that was late for me, but not for anyone else, but I don't care about the consequences of that. After another conversation over the phone and the death of Mx's battery, I went to bed.
Tuesday was the terrible day, that made the whole post become gray. I was building my sentences to talk to him about how I would prefer to have things proceeding, but I got overly nervous when we started talking, pissing him off in less than 5min. As a result, he exploded and didn't let me even start what I had to say. I was left in the bus to Finch station without any reason to be there, and took a long time to figure out what to do for the rest of the day. I finally got a text back from David saying that he was at home and I was welcome to go visit him, so I went and chatted until it was time to go to Express. At the meeting, my check in made it obvious that I wasn't feeling well, and because of that we came back to my problem near the end of the session. Many people agreed with me on the action I wanted to take, and Olimpia said something that might be really true about some lack of respect causing me to feel less attractive and not deserving this relationship. Again I had to put everything on hold to go for a job interview (weirdly scheduled to happen at a Starbucks), and I met two great guys who want to start a new web project. I really don't feel I'm the best candidate for what they are looking for, but if they choose me I'll try my best to make this my entrance card to the IT business. After the interview I came home, and the night was tense for all the feelings and thoughts tormenting my body while I was trying to sleep.
What I really wanted to say is that I don't think it's healthy for me to follow my stupid heart anymore. I have already learned that your will doesn't change who you fall in love with, but it does change who you try to interact with. I'm yet to be ok with the fact that I always fall in love with the wrong people - the ones that will obviously cause me harm and sadness. But I am almost sure that I am not in love with who he is, but with who I think he could be. Since the change might never occur, there's no reason why I should kill myself little by little being in a relationship that actually doesn't exist. The many factors that slowly put me down, including the absence of concrete documentation in my blog, are accumulating to the point that I should not have to put up with anymore. It sucks to reject someone you love, but if the lack of reciprocity is already making you feel rejected, there's no other option left. That's it for today.
SeeYa,
Feliploko, who doesn't
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