But reflecting a bit on it, I dig a little deeper into my hard shell and remember an old vice of mine. It's called self-sabotage. It's when out of nowhere I freak out and get some certainty that nothing that I really have is something I deserve. When that happens I start to implode and destroy everything I managed to accomplish. The classic scenario that I can remember is the empire of Hanna Morris. But again in that situation it could be that I was simply unfaithful... Anyway, there is a possibility it's actually deeper than that, and my fears simply disguise the real problem as ill-intention and wrongdoing.
I took that Tuesday off work to try to make it up to Mareks, but there wasn't much I could do. I took him out for sushi, then I made him tea, massaged his feet, and prepared a hot bath. That at least helped him get some sleep (passion fruit juice and a sleeping pill affected that too), which was something he really needed. I did some work stuff via vpn later at night, and then went to bed early, trying to fall asleep once more.
Today I couldn't really miss work again, but I stayed home until almost 9:30am, since I was only needed for 10:30. I went straight to TLC, where I had a hot chocolate before finding Richard and going to a meeting room on the 9th floor. This group of people have been meeting with Richard since last Friday, and they wouldn't agree to his demands no matter how hard he tried. It took me 30min to convince them to agree to mine, however. I find that even though many times I am bullshitting when I stand up for my company, the important thing to do is to set your presence. Most of the time people are just wishing somebody would take responsibility for things so that they can fall under your lead and start working. Without having their butt covered, they go nowhere.
After the slightly productive meeting, Richard gave me a ride back to the office, stopping by at Yoko to get us some lunch (and pay for it =P). When we arrived at the office, however, complete chaos was in place because of the death of our primary domain controller. Andrew was arranging the funeral (or resurrection, depending on which metaphor you want to use), while Richard and I dealt with the client. The rest of the team (except Janry) simply put their feet up and started playing Unreal Tournament. I realize I did something similar when I played RO instead of researching more about QA, but I would still take this against them when deciding who to be promoted to my team of leads a few years from now.
After work I had this meeting with Ljubomir from Seneca, who has really changed a lot since we met last time. He's doing his coop at OPG, but he really needs something stable to afford his house, car, and baby on the way. He has an interview with my manager next week, but he got disappointed when I told him our entry-level salary. I hope Brian and he can get to an agreement, because Ljubo is really a great guy to work with, and someone who would really benefit our company (besides, he's a good friend too). I gotta follow up with our recruiter, however, to make sure they also schedule interviews with Neda and David (the latter being the most fun I could get at work). Ljubo and I went for coffee at the closest Second Cup (which is quite far), and then he dropped me home. Now back to my computer, waiting for my work's network to go back up, I wish all the broken pieces of my life get back together. I know it's not easy, but there's no point in going forward if the basic structure is faulty.
SeeYa,
Feliploko, who's refreshing his memory.
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